“My fellow Standard Eggs, Grade B, I have been accused of contaminating the carton because I was eggsposed to the Free Range life style,” stated Benedict.
“Justifiably so!” shouted Speckled. “You would create a scrambled society where these separated eggs are considered better-quality than us, the Standards, who make nutrition affordable for all.”
“Order, order!” eggsclaimed Small Fry, who had narrowly missed being labeled Grade C. “This eggsessive arguing will fracture us. We must not rumble so.”
“Eggsactly,” said Large, who had been mishandled. “I am boiling mad, ready to eggsplode.”
“You are a devil,” hissed Benedict. “In the past, have we not suffered under the eggsclusionists who would not accept brown eggs as the equal to white? Did we not learn to see the foolishness of our eggclusivity? I say to you, look upon the Free Range Eggs with an open shell. They are not contaminated by the unregulated intake of insect life during gestation as rumored. Instead, they are free to eggsplore a variety of proteins. Would you not like the freedom to eggsperienced diversity and eggsercise?”
“Eggsorbitant!” eggshorted Slightly Cracked. “The eggsemplary hen that gestated me consumed high levels of protein, antibiotics, hormones, and chemicals that I cannot eggspress. This controlled, monitored lifestyle produced eggscellence… us!”
Ten cheers rose and the carton jiggled with eggscitement.
“I must eggstoll the eggshileration of free movement,” steamed Benedict in eggsasperation. “To not have our mother hens boxed six in a cage! Would it not warm your yolk to be Free at last! Free –”
“Falling,” said Large with as he eggspelled the deviant. A loud crack punctuated the eggsecution. “I had no choice but to eggsterminate this egghead,” he deadpanned.
“Drat,” said a loud human voice. “One of the eggs is broken. Anyone for an omelet?
Published first in 1993 in the Chronicle-Journal/Times-News.